Step 9: Making Amends

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure themselves or others.

  It has been said that there are no do-overs in life. All of us have made mistakes, and have said and done things that, if given the opportunity, we would take back. Addiction, untreated mental health disorders, and other serious life circumstances have caused us to act irrationally, inappropriately, or offensively, and looking at the past with the clear vision that  recovery provides can be a challenging, emotional, and sometimes heartbreaking experience. Fortunately, Step 9 gives us the opportunity to free OURSELVES of this shame, and to make amends to others in our lives that have  been affected because of our past actions, choices, or behaviors.This is the Step that offers a second chance ! The action of “making direct amends” allows us to come face to face with others- with no expectations- and to acknowledge our past wrongs, as we see them. 

   There are many variations of taking Step 9 (making amends to others), and each person in recovery who arrives at this step will take it differently. Step 8 provided us with a list of all persons we had harmed and we became WILLING to make amends. We carefully considered our interactions and relationships throughout our life, and decided WHO we harmed, WHAT our part in the harm was, and HOW, WHEN and IF amends could be made.

Before I go any further, I want to explain the difference between

MAKING AMENDS and APOLOGIZING.

MAKING AMENDS involves ACTION. It is physically correcting a wrong (ex) repaying money, fixing a broken object, being there for someone.

APOLOGIZING involves saying “I’m sorry,” however does not require, and often does not include change.

Making amends requires humility and honesty. It requires timing and a plan. When amends are made directly and in person, nothing is expected in return, although relationships have a good chance of being restored. Telling the person WHAT you feel you did and HOW you plan to make things better is all that is needed. How they choose to respond is out of your control.

Living amends are a bit different. By recognizing that changes need to be made, we wholeheartedly commit to a changed life. We focus on love and generosity. We give to others by volunteering, sponsoring, or donating . We live up to promises that we have made and were unable to keep because of addiction or mental health barriers. We take care of ourselves, and reach out to others. Living amends = mending relationships through our recovered life.

  Before making amends, we need to consider if the amends would harm you or others. Examples of harm could be revealing past hurts, contacting someone who is in active addiction, contacting a person who is afraid of us, or revisiting situations that could trigger us. It is better, in these circumstances, to continue in our own recovery and let our lives speak for themselves.

STEP 9 offers these promises:

1) We will be amazed before we are halfway through

2) We will know a new freedom and new happiness

3) We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it

4) We will comprehend the word Serentiy and will know peace

5) We will see how our experience can benefit others

6) The feelings of uselessness and self-pity will disappear

7) We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in others

8) Self-seeking will slip away

9) Our attitude and outlook on life will change